


What Stays and What Fades Away

by gamerfic



Series: In Sleep [7]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Angry Kissing, Dreamsharing, F/M, Fade Tongue, Frottage, Lucid Dreaming, Moving On, POV First Person, Post-Break Up, The Fade
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-14
Updated: 2015-07-14
Packaged: 2018-04-09 06:01:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,085
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4336580
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gamerfic/pseuds/gamerfic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Even after Solas ends his relationship with Lavellan, she finds it difficult to stay away from him in her dreams. Or maybe it's the other way around.</p>
            </blockquote>





	What Stays and What Fades Away

I ran the whetstone along the blade of my sword one last time and tested the edge with my thumb. Constant fighting had dulled its sharpness, and the dampness of the Storm Coast had left spots of rust blooming on the metal, but now thanks to my efforts it was as good as new. Satisfied, I smoothed an oily rag along the sword's length and sheathed it. Although Cassandra always reminded me that any craftsperson at Skyhold would consider it an honor to work on my sword, and I was happy to allow the blacksmiths to hammer out the dents in my shield and let Dagna maintain the complex runes and enchantments woven into my armor, I still preferred to care for my own weapon. That way I knew it was always ready if I needed it.

The sun had long since slipped behind the sharp peaks of the Frostback Mountains, and the warm glow from the banked-up forge cast the only light remaining in the undercroft. I stood up from the bench I had been sitting on, bid Dagna and Harritt good night, and gathered up my bulky, clattering traveling pack and the lantern I had lit from the forge's glowing coals. Earlier in the evening, Dagna had given me a strange look when I had come through the door wearing only my tunic and breeches and with my hair wet from a recent bath, but still carrying all the gear I had taken with me to the Storm Coast. She shook her head as I departed, and Harritt muttered, "I swear I'll never understand Inquisitorial business as long as I live." This wasn't Inquisitorial business, not precisely, but I didn't have it in me to correct him.

I climbed the stairs to the main hall, but I didn't continue on to my quarters. Instead, I passed through the gardens and opened one of the many doors that led to the wings of Skyhold that no one inhabited yet. Never-ending streams of pilgrims and refugees and would-be allies of the Inquisition continued to fill these unused areas at a surprising pace, but there were still plenty of empty places scattered throughout the keep for those who knew where to look for them. I stepped into one such dusty, cobwebbed corridor and let the soft light from my lantern guide me deeper into the ancient fortress. I wandered these halls too often now, and each time that I did I tried and failed to forget the first night that I had explored them with Solas at my side.

Weeks had passed since I had gone to the Herald's Rest with Cassandra and confided in her about how difficult the end of my romance with Solas had been. Her suggestions for how to move on had been helpful. Although drinking myself into a stupor every night wasn't really an option, changing my sleeping location was. After recovering from my astonishing hangover, I had set out on the road again as soon as possible in the company of Sera, Dorian, and Blackwall. During our time spent at the Inquisition camps on the Storm Coast and our days on the road, Solas had been as absent from my dreams as he was from my band of companions. Now that we had finally returned to Skyhold, I was worn out enough to plan on giving my own bed another chance. But Solas's gaze had followed me when I passed through the rotunda to bring some fragments of darkspawn armor to Helisma, and a shiver had run through my body as I realized that in spite of it all I still wanted nothing more than to kiss him on the balcony and tumble him in the Fade. Clearly, tonight called for a different strategy.

So I tiptoed through the hushed stillness of Skyhold's depths until I found a small bedroom that had likely once been a servant's quarters, judging by its rough-hewn bed frame that filled almost every inch of the floor, its single narrow window, and its proximity to a much larger and more elaborate suite. There was nothing interesting or comfortable about it, so there was no way that Solas would ever have slept here voluntarily. The wool-stuffed mattress had long since gone musty and moth-eaten, but it would still be better than bare flagstones, so I flipped it over and beat out as much of the dust as I could manage before I started to cough. I laid out my bedroll on its lumpy surface, closed the doors, and opened the window to let in fresh air. I crawled between my blankets, which still smelled of damp soil and rain, and snuffed the lantern. The hard days of travel back to Skyhold had exhausted me, and I could already feel my awareness slipping away into the Fade. If there were any justice in the world, my sleep would once again be deep and dreamless.

But life isn't fair, so I dreamed about him anyway.

Solas was with me in the abandoned ballroom, not far from my current bedroom, where we had first spent the night together. In the Fade it was different, golden and glowing, with ivy climbing up the pillars and trees growing haphazardly from the floor and through the ceiling. Beyond the multitude of windows, the lights of the lost, floating cities of Arlathan twinkled in the darkness all around us. We sat facing each other on the makeshift bed he had made for us. I was naked except for the sapphire necklace we'd found in the secret cache, and he wore only that familiar blackened jawbone on a leather cord around his neck. "Forgive me," he said.

"You mean for leaving me?" I asked.

"For that, and more. For everything I will do. For all the lies I told you, and the ones I am going to tell you."

"Or maybe instead of deciding ahead of time that you're going to lie to me, you could, I don't know, tell me the truth."

Solas nodded, and that's when I knew that I was dreaming. "I swear that someday soon I will tell you everything." He was kissing me before I could speak, and I sank into his embrace gladly. I'd had dreams like this before, and in them I went along with him every time. I still wasn't sure whether I preferred them to the ones that replayed that night in the cave but twisted it into something worse, the ones in which he mocked me or belittled me or simply acted as if I didn't exist. These dreams were harder and worse to wake up from, but at least I could take some fleeting pleasure from them while they were happening.

Yet something in the way Solas's mouth moved desperately and hungrily against mine was different this time. "I wish you were real," he said between kisses.

"That's my line," I said, and shivered as I felt his lips skim my ear.

"The Fade knows you too well here, _ma vhenan_ ," he said, more to himself than to me. "I wonder how that can be."

"Maybe it's because I'm - wait, _what?_ " Solas must have realized the truth at the same time that I did, because he practically shoved me away from him. We both scrambled to our feet and regarded each other from a wary distance. He was back to wearing his usual, simple clothing now, and a glance down at myself revealed that the Fade had clothed me in my full armor. The metaphor was not lost on me, and I made no effort to moderate my defensive tone. "So it's really you. What are you doing in my dream?"

"This is _my_ dream," Solas replied, unable to conceal the flush that had spread from his collar to the tips of his ears. "I might ask the same of you."

"How is that even possible? I'm sleeping in some sort of gods-forsaken closet right now specifically to prevent you from sniffing around my dreams."

"I do not 'sniff around your dreams' any more than you do mine. As I have told you many times before, awareness of other dreamers in the Fade is unavoidable for me. It is likely that you are beginning to develop similar skills. For that reason, _I_ am currently sleeping in an unused room somewhere in Skyhold in a clearly unsuccessful attempt to avoid _you_."

" _Fenedhis_ , we still think too much alike, don't we?" My anger didn't fully dissipate, but I unclenched my fists and took a few steps closer to him. It was almost a relief to hear that his bed was as much a trove of painful memories as mine. "So why are we doing this, Solas? Why are we pretending that either of us wants this to be over?"

"Because it must be. We should not encourage further dreams like this one. Such fantasies only serve to demean us both."

"Really? I never would have said that being with you was demeaning."

"That is not what I meant and you know it. _Ma_ \- Inquisitor, please, let it go. I don't want to have to say these things again."

"But maybe I want to hear them. You've always said you'd tell me everything someday. Why not now? Things are easier for you in the Fade, after all."

Solas shook his head. "No. Not now. Not here."

"Fine." I walked toward him again, stopping when I was close enough for either of us to touch the other if we could only bring ourselves to do it. My inhibitions felt far away, replaced by confusion and frustration and desire for him that I still couldn't seem to shake off. "All the same, why not finish what you were so intent on starting five minutes ago? I can help you pretend it never happened in the morning."

Sadness flickered in Solas's eyes and he looked away from me. "If I cannot have you fully and honestly, _ma vhenan_ ," he said quietly, "I will not have you at all."

Of course I hadn't expected him to react any other way, but something in his inability to set aside his terms of endearment and declarations of affection infuriated me anew. "I don't know," I said. "A little casual sex might be just the thing to take your mind off all these secrets you're still keeping from me. You'll never know until you try. We only did it twice in the real world, after all. And here I thought you valued new experiences."

I was trying to hurt him with my words, trying to make him as angry as his rejection had made me, and it worked. He seized me by the shoulders and held me close enough to him that I couldn't possibly mistake the pain and indignation in his eyes. "Every part of myself that I ever shared with you was real, whether it happened in the Fade or not," he said, his voice shaking. "Doubt anything else you will about me, but never doubt that. And it was not twice outside the Fade. It was three times at least."

"Three times? The ballroom, the bathhouse in the Exalted Plains-"

"I forgot about the bathhouse. I was thinking of the ballroom and that time on the way to Emprise du Lion."

"Wait, you forgot about the bathhouse? How did you forget about that?"

"How could _you_ forget about Emprise du Lion?"

"Four times, then. That is, as long as you're counting the ballroom as two separate times rather than one extended-"

"This is irrelevant." Solas let go of my shoulders and backed away, perhaps as alarmed as I was at how easy it still was for both of us to fall back into such an intimate conversation. "I have nothing more to say to you about this matter."

"The Fade seems to think differently." I had his scent now, and I advanced on him even as he backed away from each step I took toward him. "If this is really your dream, you know as well as I do that you could throw me out of it at any time. The fact that you haven't yet tells me that you're not ready to give up on us either. It tells me that _you still want me_."

I jabbed at his chest to punctuate the last four words. He stumbled backward, his reaction fully out of proportion to the amount of force I was using, until his back nearly touched the wall of the room. He made no move to escape even though we both knew that in the Fade, nothing I did could truly restrain him. "I already told you," he said, licking his lips, looking past me, avoiding eye contact, "there are considerations. It isn't only about what either of us wants. And even if it were, we would have to account for-"

"Shut up," I said, and pushed him up against the wall.

I couldn't be certain which of us initiated the next kiss. I only knew that despite everything Solas had said, suddenly his arms were around me and his tongue was in my mouth and one of his hands was sliding down below my waist to pull me to him. I worried briefly about my armor getting in the way before I realized it had evaporated back into the Fade as surely as our self-control. Not wanting to slow our frantic pace, I straddled his thigh and began to grind against it, enjoying the little moans that escaped him as I pressed him into the wall, the way he grew harder with each movement that I made. The weeks of separation and frustration had me on a short fuse, and I could hardly believe how quickly I reached my peak, throwing my head back and clutching at his hips as I shuddered and rode out my brief but intense climax.

But when I reached for the lacings of his breeches, intending to madden him at least as much as he had maddened me, he twisted away. "Enough!" Now he really did shove me away with enough force to send me staggering. After a few stumbling steps I regained my balance and turned to see that Solas had moved to the other side of the room, breathing heavily, still obviously aroused. I saw his lips form the word " _vhenan_ " even as he thought better of actually voicing it. "Stop making this more difficult than it needs to be."

 _"Ar lath ma,"_ I said, and knew exactly how pathetic I sounded.

"And that is why it must come to this. Inquisitor, I forbid you to enter my dreams. Now _get out_."

I had no chance to respond before the Fade slammed shut around me with a sound like a thousand ancient temples crumbling. I felt myself being pulled back into wakefulness and unceremoniously deposited back into my own body, my eyes snapping open to stare at the ceiling of the still-darkened room in which I had been sleeping. The place between my legs still throbbed with the memory of the dream. _You are a fool,_ a voice inside me whispered, and I wasn't sure it if was Solas, the Well of Sorrows, or my own rigorously suppressed better judgment speaking. I rolled onto my stomach and wondered what would happen if I got up, found Solas where he slept, and shook him awake to demand the explanation he still refused to give me. As much as the thought amused me, I knew it would accomplish nothing. It was well past time to try a different approach.

So when morning dawned, I entered the rotunda and found Solas in his favorite chair, perusing an ancient, fragile book and looking much better-rested than me. Lack of sleep and two pots of tea had made me shakier than I liked, so I leaned against his desk to steady myself. "I want to start again," I said.

He set down his book and regarded me with a cautious, neutral expression. "Please elaborate."

"You were right," I said, and to his credit he remained emotionless and not at all smug at that admission. "We can't keep doing this. And I don't want to spend the rest of...however long this takes...acting awkward and avoiding you until I can't stand it anymore and say or do things that just make it worse for both of us." I continued to hold his gaze no matter how much I wanted to look away. "I won't beg you for anything. I know it's over. But I miss you, Solas. I miss talking to you, and traveling with you, and knowing I could trust you to be watching my back."

"I'm really not sure you should."

"The available evidence suggests otherwise." The more I talked, the more stable I felt, and I straightened up and slowly walked around to his side of the desk. "I want to be your friend again. If you'll let me."

"I've missed you, too," he said softly. "I don't know if this will work the way you want it to. But I am willing to try."

"That's all I ask."

"Very well. Then where do we begin?"

"We could talk to each other. I understand that's something friends do, and there's been a shortage of that lately that didn't end in shouting." I grabbed a nearby stool and pulled it over to sit down across from him. Before, we would have had these conversations on his balcony, or curled up together on the nearby sofa, or lying next to each other in my bed as the fire in the fireplace burned low - but that wasn't an option anymore, no matter how much I wished it still were. "I'd like to hear more about what you saw in your exploration of the Fade."

"I would be happy to share it with you," said Solas. A small smile was forming on his lips, and I could hear relief in his tone.

"Tell me about the old ruins you explored."

Solas nodded, and his eyes went distant and unfocused, the way they always did when he told stories of the Fade. I closed my own to better focus on his words and on his voice as he began to speak. It wasn't the way it used to be, but for now, it would have to be enough. "I found in the Korcari Wilds a humble cottage far removed from any of the simple Chasind tribesmen..."

**Author's Note:**

> Story title taken from the song ["No Light, No Light" by Florence + the Machine](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ATfUdaZQLMA). I know, I am the cancer that is killing fandom, but it just fits these two so well.
> 
> The genesis of this story was in a weird glitch I experienced in one of my DA:I playthroughs, in which Solas would never acknowledge having broken up with my Inquisitor in dialogue but was sure happy to talk about the Fade with her some more. I was irritated until I started to wonder what circumstances might lead to Solas and Lavellan being perfectly content to keep chatting about ancient ruins with each other as though nothing were wrong (although, of course, everything is wrong). So game bugs are good for something after all!
> 
> Thank you so much for all the great feedback on this series and the fun conversations. Solasmancers on AO3 are really wonderful people. :D Unless things get away from me again, I think I have two stories left to write in this series, one of which will probably be fairly long. Thanks for reading.


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